Realise

I always feel that, taste is the stairway to happiness. That's why I love to eat.....and for sure drink.

My meal doesn't have to always comes with a drink, but an after-drink is always a necessity. The drink is either coffee or wine, or both. When I wanna get more awake when I'm awake, it's coffee......when I wanna get more sleepy when I'm sleepy, it's gonna be wine....

Or put it in another way, coffee comes in the morning and work and whenever I don't have enough money for alcohol at night......where wine is always always for nights...lonely nights, sobbing nights, gathering nights, emotional nights, peaceful nights, grateful nights......

Recently, I realise pretty much things that I never realise before. I realise that I've been putting too many important people behind, those who really love and care about me....many essential things are left behind too......my leisure pursuit especially.......

However, I think I'm a very sensitive person....only when it comes to certain situation.....special situation. Which means, most of the time, still, I'm very careless. I used to leave a whole page of questions out for my exam once just because I didn't flip through the particular page. I used to forget the date I got together with my ex, even for my ex best friend's birthday.....and even mixing up my own birthday celebrations venues for a few years.

Though I'm aware of the blurness and carelessness, I always still voice out LOUDLY how sure I am right in front of the others. I was spoilt, not with choices, but with people. People who once made me believe that we're all gonna live and die together, grow old together, maybe can even stay together after I get married. I guess that's why I was devastated when I started to realise..........really realise.....

There's when and where I started to realise I have to start realising......to pack up my life.

After the incident when I was drunk, things changed.....from A to Z. To pick up, it's really heavy, really heavy, and now.....still picking up the leftovers. Memories still hit me in my dreams, when I wake up in the mornings, before I sleep, when I look out from the window.

Yeah, packing up and picking up do make me stronger. I think I'm stronger, not about the shallow tears, but by having stronger relationships with people who provide me stronger feeling and trust.

Shallow tears, it doesn't mean that you're not strong....it's just about the art of shedding tears.....even when I watch Grey's Anatomy.....about this....the ending part of Season 3....without exaggerating.....I've watched it close to a hundred times....and cried everytime.....but then, later I realised the saddest part is not the ending, whereas is a small part before the ending which is the saddest....the part where a girlwho woke up memories lost n undergo a massive plastic surgery for recovery thought that she doesn't have any1 in her life, no one comes to look for her.....no identity because her previous face was unrecognised.......till a surgical intern gives her a new identity, builds her confidence......n the husband appears....she refuses to go back..... she chooses to stay with the new identity.....leaving the husband behind although her memories then come back. But, the intern, with doubts, turns her down. To me, that's very sad.....cuz when you thought you've already ready, you packed up and left all your doubts behind to make your stand, he then abandons it. Just because he said so.

Throughout the part, where I believe I'll still cry in the future......countless times....now and then, I learn to appreciate. Be grateful, be thankful......cuz at least, I have the others.

Got to admit, all these years, this is so far the hardest time in my life. My car, in the workshop for almost half a year, after getting it back....due to my carelessness again, it's back to the workshop. But then, I realise something new again.

I know there's nothing anymore, between us, and we don't, cannot and never will care about each other anymore. Always thought it would be harder for him, it won't be me, but obviously, it turns out not. Something, deep down, deep down inside, is still healing.

Hope it's gonna be like a factory where there's always a due date for the products......so since the product is abandoned before it's finished and before it's expired, we'll jus sit and wait till the expiry date comes....and then it'll for sure has to be thrown away. Cuz now, even I know, it's disposed, it's still within the expiry date, and that's why, I'll wait, till it gets better in time.